Untitled...pt. 3 the conclusion.

Okay... the big finish.

Well that night, after spending the whole day with Amber, and rushing up to be with my girlfriend was a trip. Not just with distance, but emotionally as well. There was a War brewing inside of me, the Heart and Mind had failed at coexistence. This war began to spill out on to the streets of my tongue, my actions, and my eyes. I'm not sure if my girlfriend saw this, but I felt as though it was as visible as the images from the the war in Iraq. Only my war had to end, for the only casualty would be me.

As the day turned to night, and we laid on the bed, I began to talk. Not about Amber, but moreso about my feelings. I weaved a tale that was partially of the mind, and partially of the heart. As a whole, it probably didn't make sense. I remember saying things like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" and "sometimes I think I love you and can be with you forever, but sometimes I feel like I need time to myself." I'm sure to her none of what I said made much sense, but the tone of my speech painted the picture my word could not.

I only knew this as she began to cry. I had never made her cry before. I wished I could take back my words, but I couldn't it. Well I could say I didn't mean it, but like I said earlier, memories are hard the to lose. It was as those first tears fell, cutting a path down her cheek that my Heart began to loosen its strangle-hold on my Brain. I began to see what I was letting myself do to another person, a person I said I loved. I tried retracting some of my statements but the damage had been done. This would possibly be our last night together.

We laid there, holding each other as if we were attempting to keep warm in sub-zero weather, each of us wanting to give the other all the heat in our body, wanting to see them survive more than ourself. We fell asleep that way, and woke up that way.

The next day we knew what had to happen. I was gonna have to pack my close up and leave. So that's what I did. I no longer attempted to explain away my words of the night before, I only hugged her, and left.

I had decided to leave, leave Atlanta, and just go back home. My internal Civil War had again resembled the Iraq war, in the way that there will be no winner. All that had happened left me fatigued. I couldn't stand to be in the city any longer. Given my mental connection, Amber would likely see through me and I couldn't go through a repeat of the night before. I figured I would speak to them both when I got home.

It was days before I would contact either woman. I needed some time with myself, I had spent myself more than initially thought. My, now, ex-girlfriend had called my parents to find out about me, she had been concerned after not hearing from me. I eventually called her, we talked but the tension so thick that it made it to awkward to stay on the phone for very long.

And as for Amber, my feelings for her had frustrated me. I began to resent her, for where she had taken me to, mentally. I decided to cut it off, cold-turkey. Unfortunately that approach had sent me through withdrawal. I began with denial of her importance to me, I then moved onto mental and spiritual deterioration, followed by a reawakening in me. I finally reached the other side of the tunnel, acceptance of my actions.

With acceptance in hand I felt I had one last step to take, asking for forgiveness, and the chance to a fresh start with Amber. So I picked up pad and pen, and asked them to help release my thoughts. In the end we had created the most eloquent letter I had ever written, it must have been 4 or 5 pages long. But, in the end all it really described was my indiscretion, my lies, and my conniving ways, but it was written so well how could you stay mad? Easily I guess.

Days later my letter returned to me. I guess telling the truth, sometimes only gets you freedom.

Weeks later my now ex-girlfriend's internship ended and she returned back to school. Days later, we were dating again. I guess sometimes the shoe just fits you to good to let it go, no matter how many holes it has, or how beat up it is. I didn't tell her anything of Amber, but I promised myself I would if we ever decided to get married.

My girlfriend never heard the name Amber. And I never heard from Amber. Years later I would meet my wife, and move to Atlanta for work. Coincidentally, my job is less than a mile away from where Amber lived when I visited.

I've driven by once or twice. But it not on my path. Peace.