Untitled... Pt. 2

When I left off yesterday's posting you saw our star at the proverbial fork in the road. Having to either follow the path one, that I knew and recognized. Which was the path that I had traveled on for a while, now. I knew my limits on this path, I knew that all these affairs were only affairs of the body, not of the mind and spirit. Temporary boosts to a man self-esteem. I also knew that I could never have more than the occasional romp, with any of them. On this path I had convinced myself that I had already chosen my wife, all these "youthful indescretions" would not distract me from that goal.

Or, path two. This path seemed so bright, as though it had it's own Star. It looked like it had four paved lanes on which to travel. It appeared to be "new". "New," it was a word that conjured up infinite possibilities, or better yet, infinitely great possibilities. I felt enlightened just by thought of this path, a feeling that had been missing inside of me. Overjoyed with it's potential rewards. This could be my utopia.

Now let us continue...

5 days left. The idea of only having five days available to both, love and lose love, felt torturous. I felt cheated, not just by time, but also by circumstance.

The win' up tones of reggae music played the soundtrack to our night. My existing relationship was, at that point in time, doing just that, existing. I wasn't living in it. I was living in a moment, something my rigid, and analytical nature had never allowed me to do before. I was at a place in my Mind that I hadn't visited before, it euphoric. I was so "out" that thoughts of marriage entered my head. But like great things, this night had to end.

It was close to closing time. I had looked at my watch at times during the night, as though I were counting down the inevitable. I, soon began to fall back into my analyzing state. Weighing the options, that this night had availed me. My Mind fought my Heart's attempt to be involved in the decision making process. It became a battle of reason versus feeling, and after minutes, which felt like hours or days of internal conflict, the Heart had won.

We exchanged numbers, as well as kisses. Kissing at the club, especially someone you just met, had been forbidden act in my mind. But this was a person I had known my whole life, metaphysically speaking.

The next day we spoke on the phone, our conversation came as effortlessly as the previous nights kiss had. We discussed our schedules for the upcoming week, and when we would have to time to see each other. As though God had wanted to conduct some sort of cruel experiment on human nature, we discovered our times synched up perfectly. This was rare given that I typically worked nights at my job at the Gas Station, but due to a recent firing, I had be asked to work the day shift. Allowing us most of the evenings to enjoy each others company.

Our evening consisted of me picking her up from her dorms, and us visiting various spots around the city. I moved around the city as though I didn't have a girlfriend, or as if Tallahassee wasn't a small enough city for me to bump into the wrong (girlfriends girl-friends) people. I didn't care though, I was "in love." We would spend our nights by my apartment, discussing any thing from high-fructose corn syrup to places we wanted to visit. But we never talked about Friday.

Friday would be the day she would be leaving me and returning to Atlanta. And although we were only 5 hours apart, to a broke college student with a fickle car, we might as well have 5 states apart.

But in the meantime we enjoyed our moments together. She stayed the night every night, but not once did either of us feel pressured, or pressure each other to consumate our relationship by engaging in sex. Just the act of being together had satisfied that need in my 22 year old body.

I would speak to my girlfriend during the day, primarily while at work. Being that she was in Atlanta and that it was a time before cell phones were popular, so a lot of checking up of my whereabouts wasn't possible. Though, I probably would've found ways around her, even if she were in town.

Thursday came, and we both knew the would quite possibly be our last night together. We still acted as though she lived 5 miles away, exchanging addresses, phone numbers, and directions, as though we intended to see each other on Saturday. We were still living on Fantasy Island, oblivious to the truth. The truth that I still had 2 years of school left, that she had some difficult semesters of law school to complete, and that long distance relationships don't work. But we went through the "this isn't good-bye" motions anyways.

The climax....

So my "new" love had come and gone, and I was feeling everything my Mind had told my Heart it would feel. We spoke on the phone, still overly optimistic about what our future could hold. I had slowly returned back to my usual self, but with a greater degree of consciousness about certain things, which I attribute to my week in Bliss. My relationship with my girlfriend had never skipped a beat. I was good at that, living in two places at once, maybe it's the Gemini in me. I was somehow able to walk both paths at once. A couple of weeks later, I even made plans to travel to Atlanta to go see "them".

I had tried hard to shake of the heavy aroma of a love and life that I could never have. But I couldn't, it was now apart of my memories, and for years I had tried to "lose memories" that had no use for, or that pained me to think of.

I traveled to Atlanta soon after. I had been invited up by my girlfriend, and I probably could have gotten around not seeing my "new" love, but it seemed as though the closer I got to the city, the more my Heart beat to a rhythm. A rhythm that seemed to be sort of a Morse Code..... A.m-b-e.r.... My Mind had not been prepared for this and had to succumb.

I then became frazzled, if thats a word, operating only on emotion, which is never a good thing. I contacted Amber as soon as I came in town. I had to see her, and since she lived on the south side of town, it would be easy to see her on my way up to the northside of town where my girlfriend was living.

Make sense, right? Not really, because I was supposed to meet my girlfriend after she got off work so that we could go to Six Flags with some of her co-workers. And me not giving the consideration to distance or traffic, I was destined to be late. But when I got to Amber's apartment I threw all that out of the window.

I was back on my drug of choice. And like when on most drugs, time just floated by, I forgot all my problems and responsibilities, and also, did whatever I could to stay "high". Amber and I drove around parts of Atlanta, went to a Jamaican restaurant, by the M. L. King Center, Olympic Park. It was close to 5 p.m. before I realized that I needed to start leaving to prepare for my 6:30 p.m. meeting time. It wasn't until 5:45 that I left. I just couldn't pull myself away.

With traffic and the rush hour commute, it was 7:30 p.m. before I got where I needed to be, much later than I should've been. Needless to say, we didn't get to go to Six Flags. Luckily I had a Sister that lived in town that I could blame for my tardiness. We decided to stay in for the night, and although physically in Kennesaw, my Heart was in College Park. And at some point that night, I decided I couldn't walk on these paths anymore...

** This story is much longer than I intended and I still have a bit left to share. I know I stated that a conclusion would be drawn today, but didn't expect all of this. I promise to finish by later today. Peace. **