Drive faster... when you drive faster you focus on that singular activity... now write the damn poem!
AE Christmas

the year begin wrap itsekf up in a pretty box with a nice bow. packaging is everything.
we can hide our tragedies behind pretty paper and bright lights and well meaning words.
the mask is universally appliable...
we can hide the blood on boots from those defenseless people we have stepped on by simply standing behind a podium.
the hands we use strangle the life from our brothers and sisters is concealed by holding a tv remote.
the deception in our words is masked by the music of justin bieber, the fucked up life of lindsay lohan, and a black eyed peas beat.
we hide another year in a box.... never to be opened.

On the cusp of my 33rd year, i have come to realize that we only share a piece of ourselves with the world.... and not much more with those we love. i have to strike out against my nature and dare the world.
it will take me for who i am. what i think. we kill ourselves to spare others from shedding blood.

to change we must change our habits...
AE Christmas

Self discovery is important.... i try to do it on a daily basis. i learn who i should and should not be. some do not. i just watch from the sideline.
AE Christmas

Good morning Asiya... happy eightteenth birthday.
Goodnight Ollie Christmas Sr.... I love you so much. No more pain.

My God... it's been a cold winter. I'm weary, and ready for the Spring.
AE Christmas

This can't be life!
i gotta figure thing out... and soon.
i am not as happy as i should be...
AE Christmas

Feb 20. my experiment is dwindling.... i need to spark the flame again. headed to a cuz bday party with the family.
AE Christmas

I m still very much in the angry stage...
it comes and goes
ebbs and flows
i have to use the trickle down effect to calm myself
i have never felt this feeling before
maybe i can't pull myself out of this ditch
maybe i should just lay here for a while
til i get the strength i need...

who really wants to be here?

This don't get easier...

"I find it hard to say... that everything is all right.." - Lauryn Hill

My experiment to submit daily messages has been derailed by illness and infidelity. Hopefully neither of these proves to be chonic illnesses.

Dixi

I have spoken... i think i have accepted her flaws, because i know my own.

Can i live with this? Can i once again see my her as the women i loved yesterday morning?

I said it back in September that this is going to be a cold winter... it is proving itself to be one. I will be a recluse for now. mourn my loss.

like i said... i don't want to be at this place at this time. how do people do it. it wasn't that large, but Soni, how the fuck?

i accept her back 'cuz i know it isn't her. i haven't lost her, she lost herself.

I write this post with the expectation that my life is changing,

changing with every breath, every blink, every thought,

thought consumes my every action,

action has forced me to inaction and disbelief,

disbelief that what i know, i don't know,

know this,

this is my fault.

I create my destiny

destiny has brought wrath upon my doorstep.

I felt the subtle brush of uneasiness as she spoke

spoke words of excitement on past love

love that changed and called her

her nonchalant acceptance of salutes from a past sutors clicks

clicks and ticks only reveal the time

time reveals the truth.

I fuckin' hate where i am, what i am, what was, and what will be!!!!!!

maybe this isn't what it is... maybe i have jumped to conclusion... this is more than likely my fault and any discussion will eventually reveal me to be correct.

Iny is safe and sleeping.... sick again from pneumonia. i hope she gets stronger as she grows. i need to wrap myself in all the projects i need have under my belt.
i think i will take the pmp this year and then start the management program. that should test my committment.

AE Christmas

10/365

inaya is back with pneumonia... need to investigate her predisposition to it...
i realized that people have some odd views... the total refusal of some to even put racial context into the argument of Haiti is baffling.

Arr we simply victims of Black Thought? am i unable to see the world outside the black coated lenses on... i need to examine this.
AE Christmas

9/365
sitting at the table watching my wife prepare a art project for the pre-k class on Romare Bearden. she so artsy...
Tammy is here too... they found a mouse in their house... so they came to stay the night. haha...

back to work again...

AE Christmas

8/365

Pic from my meeting with Dr. West.
I fixed my thermostat... hopefully that "fixed" my car problem.
nust tryin to get by... in due time... let me travel to work safely this week.

bless those who lost their lives in Haiti... mostly those who died due to not having the resources...

lets see if the pic uploads

AE Christmas

7/365
I met Dr. cornel west... dude is a genius. i will post a picture tomorrow.
inaya is running a fever i am coughing... looking at my pretty wife tell me about her dream... it involves denzel washington and donna nates wedding...
my neck hurts too... i need to get a physical soon... i am not losing any weight... tighten up... i have no internal drive right now, i have to find tne root of it.
AE Christmas

6/365
Well i'm half a day late....
yesterday showed me that i hate to actually go shopping... i dont mind putting the items in my shopping cart... but to spend the money is different...
gotta get a car soon.
AE Christmas

5/365
Last night i saw u in my dreams.... now i cant wait to go to sleep.... -kanye

almost didnt get this out

AE Christmas

4/365

i'm leaving... on a jet plane,
i know i'll be back again,
just wait til there's a hurricane,
they'll call and say we need you back here man...

cause i'm a travellin man,
movin' thru places, space and time...
AE Christmas

3/365

Damn this broken elevator.... stifiling progress...

AE Christmas

2/365
The earth makes fools of men who scratch its surface and claim ownership of her. Little do we realize that she is a cold bitch.
she lashes out at those men most affected by the wrath of foolish men.
what is to be said when you are beaten by man and by nature?
bless you Haiti... even though we only remember you during your "publicized" suffering... damn you short attention span!
AE Christmas

This is not only a test...
it is also a quiz
a feat on strength,
a test of my two thumbs dexterity....
a referendum on yesterdays sincerity.

i am still in orlando... saw sheray... i don't think we are really friends... she didn't seem all that excited to see me (i know i am not the center of her universe) "but still"... as my wife would say... show a little love. hopefully she let go of me mentioning our car buying decision to people talk way too f'n much.

ehhh.... whadda ya gonna do?

test over... this better work cuz thats a lot of typing i just did.

1/365

What am i doing...

I'm not writing, thinking, reading, shooting, listening....

Am i even living? Is it possible to live without doing...?

I mean to exist means you have to survive some infinite number of moments to arrive at the point in which you currently are...

Am i truly surving...?

To survive means to have fought through and struggled to reach the "now"...

So i am here, so then i must be surviving, and i must be living, because i'm here now...

i am here regardless of my willingness, or fervor, or desire, or curiousity, or physicality, or adaptability, or love, or love, or love...

I am here and i keep typing the word "hear" whenever i want to type the word here... see i'm not listening.... my synapses and grey matter are trying to grasp my attention but i still don't hear them....




I am hearing now, in the here and now... I promise myself 365 days of posting... let me have one whole year of my life to remember, to challenge me, to call me out on my bullshit when i say i'm gonna do something and tell nobody, so when i don't do it, i can move on under the covers of day...

where: Orlando, Embassy Suites
what: typing and just listening to Canibus' Poet Laurete 2 & Jay Electronica's Exhibit C

Peace Grandma, peace Aunt Nancy, peace Anika aka Ms. Nikki
1/365

Needle on the Record

Lyrical injections
collapse veins and attack my cerebral cortex
Biting through tissue, corrupting the soul,
polluting the mind.
Slowly taking control.

Control taken slowly is torturous,
freedom songs travel treacherous pathways
to help me
breath deep like these is last days.
Endorphins escape from self imposed solitude,
and make a break for it.

I am stranded.
Hanging by thinly intertwined strings
interwoven thoughts, and ideas, and experiences
cultivated by hand, inspired by gods.

I lie.
I lie still.
I still lie.
I still lie in wait for help to come.

Queen...in Seven

...five... six...
seven.
seven steps away from being with love.
it sounds simple, right?
like walking parallel to the DeeJay booth,
lifting left, then right foot with gravity-defying moves,
bringing the future ever closer,
is something done everyday!
well... okay it is.
the game is complexed,
but the objective is simple...
"capture the Queen."

there she was,
hips moving as though she were the beat.
playing composer to the DJ's orchestra.
the music chases her tempo,
as she plays hard to get.
the symphony slows down,
slows, as though succumbing to the exhaustive pace it was forced to maintain.
she, maestro, Queen, curtsey's
and i, like any audience, mentally
applauded her work.
she slightly, subtly,
gave my glance toward her recognition.
i, absorbed her faint smile,
as though this Queen were the sunshine,
and i, just a frostbitten Alaskan tourist,
in need of her warmth for survival.

her wordless sign of acknowledgement
inspired me to move closer.
but i had to move with a sense of purpose.

I prepared my first move.
It was a simple one, really,
the Pawns are the easiest to escape.
they are great in numbers, and
have the ability to attack, but
are merely a filter used to weed out
unqualified challengers.
Their "easiness" can seduce some,
but those who truly seek to gain the Queens
favor,
are not swayed.
Gyration, vibrations, and temptations abound,
I side-step them all, in the name of Love.

KNight approaches.
Its odd movements make it formidable,
I must not take it for granted,
for it may creep up on me,
and destroy my entire effort.
I move forward steadfastly.

All the while,
The Queen has taken up residence,
amongst opulence.
She sees all, and all see her.
As attackers attempt to mount,
she, without effort thwarts their advances.

I remain enamored,
I remain in amor,
I remain armored.

Next,
Both Rook and Bishop attempt to redirect me,
entrap me in conversation,
and the consumation of free spirits, respectively.
i decline to partake in petty discussion,
and refuse to ingest that which i am.
free.
spirit.
i guide myself as to avoid Bishops angle of attack,
and Rooks straight up and down candor, with a...
"...step, step, side to side..."

all foes have been averted,
i have come within paces of my goal,
of my gold,
my precious object of desire.

the orchestra once again attempts to
overcome their overbearing master,
unsuccessfully.
she repeatedly berates them for their insolence,
they wrap notes around her,
as though to tenderly embrace her,
and then kneel at her feet, in submission.

through strategic positioning,
i have arranged my ranks,
so as to force her in my direction.
i, unlike the DeeJay, have succeeded in my endeavor.

Queen, black, moves.
King, white, touches Queens arm,
Queen beams.
Game...
I move in closer,
in an attempt to whisper words of love,
words of peace and of war,
all which celebrate at different points on the spectrum,
a spectrum that defines what i would do,
would do to protect you.
You my Queen.
that is what i intended to say...
seven steps to Queen, black,
I had not accounted for King, black.
I lose.
Click!!!...
CheckMate.