Drunk On Love

"... why can't i keep my fingers off you..." 

its a perplexing life.

i am in new space.

i can't say if i'm in a better space,

just in a new one.  

i don't want to fly away anymore.

i want to try and move forward in the lane i'm in.

my kids deserve it.

my wife deserves it.

i don't deserve shit.

"... Your breasteses is my breakfast, we going in, we be all night."

so visceral are these experiences.  i'm not ashamed of what i committed myself to this year.  that goes to most things.  i realize now that i'm more complicated than i wanted to believe about me.  its okay though, i like it like that.  i like that i'm not "holier than thou".  i'm not supposed to be, i am a sinner.  i don't think i'll be revisiting some of my sins of the past.  there's no need to.

"how the hell did this shit happen? O baby!"

I've never known what the fuck I wanted, aside from being an engineer.  My childhood dream realised.

Where to next?  I've been not answering that question for the last 13 years.

It's way past time.

Where do we go?

Whats next? Like, when is like worth as much as love given the situation? It takes two to tango, but how many does it take to atop dancing to the same old song?

We both desire and deserve more. Am I the one to give it to her, is she the one to give it to me? Am I fighting to stay together or fighting for a reason to stay together?

Questions to ask... will they ever be answered.

Freedom

The end is in the beginning

tres palabras

it began with 3 words.

okay, it didn't begin with 3 words, but the end did.

three words that no man wants to receive from his mistress of months.

i

love

him.

ouch, that hurt. i hurt more than it was supposed to.

she uttered the words with electronic franticness,

no emoticons necessary this time.

it was clear.

She Loved Him.

She begged me for a favor in those final moments.

in those final moments as our Future sank with my Heart,

she asked me to speak to her Love.

Tell him lies about the lies she had told me,

that our night of warm embrace was less than that.

Comfort his fears of her betrayal, by betraying my self.

Three words.

where?

where are you at?

thats not a question about location but it is.

it's about the location of your heart.

but then again, its not a question that i really want answered, oddly enough.

i spend my days trying to forget what you mean to me,

but that isn't possible.

i knew i couldn't succeed at it.

it's 2 a.m. in the morning, in the bed i share with another,

and you still cross my mind.

what a cruel existence i imagine for myself,

until the void of you is filled.

i have so much to tell you if our stars ever realign.  i'm not holding my breath though.  

"I need a new nigga for this black cloud to follow, cuz while it's over me it's too dark to see tomorrow..." -Nas

What is freedom?

I ponder that question as I see a bird, traversing three dimensions at will.
Soaring, swooping, singing as it chooses.
Pitching on perches with no particular predictability.

I sit and watch,
I sit and watch as this being of magnificence and brilliance,
a being that inspires envy in the minds of the men below.
I sit and watch in this airport awaiting my departure via man's own vehicle of aerial accomplishment,
reflecting on childhood desires of becoming the fragile flyer buzzing above me.

Reality sets in.

This perfection of eons of environmental evolution and spousal selection was not free at all.
Fore as he flew toward each pane,
the panes that so clearly gave sight of the world beyond the windowed walls as something so easily accessible,
he would come to realize its illusion.
Man-made construction had him encapsulated in a new world,
free from predators and freezing,
but it had not freed him to live free.

I sat there observing,
Watching as this bird gazed through the glass.
I imagine him delving deep in the recesses of his mind attempting to extract an escape plan.
A plan that would be foiled by ineptitude and ignorance of the institution in which he was trapped.

Freedom is relative.

Made my longest ride ever on my bike...banged out fifty miles.

I have been stricken with the oh so dreaded Bell's Palsy. I have partial paralysis affecting my left lip and eye. It kicked in last Thursday and won't let go

It doesn't feel so temporary.

Who gets to own me next year? I feel like a slave on the peak of his existence being traded to a new master. I just got used to the way this one beats me!

I survived Monday only to be greeted with a chill on Wednesday. This can't be love... this can't be life.

The weather fits my mood... each raindrop is a problem, and although I used to have an umbrella to shield me from the barrage but it must be broken.

... I'm losing buoyancy... water in my lungs is starting to choke me.

I have to find a new lighthouse... scratch that I need to find a lighthouse to guide me out of these troubled waters I've been treading in...

FAMU parties never fail to let me know how few people I actually knew in college.

...if you want to be free, below the grounds the only place to be...

Life... Who needs it? Matter of fact, who deserves it? Not many that's who.

Hello

Live

I could survive in this environment if i had you.

I wish it was worth it...

I could survive in this environment if i had you.

35 Summers in, trying to let the Sun shine on my path.